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    One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong  but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide, and said "put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an  Almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed  to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan not stupid – me check for bees."

Two couples are on vacation in the same hotel. The two husbands, Frank and Dave, are having a few beers together at the bar. "I bet I make love to my wife tonight more times than you make love to yours," says Frank. "Never. I'll bet $50 my wife wakes up more satisfied than yours," says Dave. "Right, you're on. But how will we tell which one of us has won?" asks Frank. "Easy. When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, just order  the same number of slices of toast as number of times you  made love," says Dave. The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both men are smiling as the waiter comes to take the order. Frank leans over - "I'll have a full English breakfast, and SIX slices of toast," he smiles, winking at Dave. Dave leans over, and says in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full English breakfast and SEVEN slices of toast -- and make 2 of them brown!"

    There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl.  He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the riverbank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
 
 

    "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.  She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
 

    A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"  She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."  The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"  She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
 

    A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can’t explain."  "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."  "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket  'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."  Man laughed and said, "Again?"  The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."  "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm..." the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in....Some things you just can't explain."
 

    Darryl and Harold were the best patients in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Darryl said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off  one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Harold answered. "Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes."
 

    On New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 

    Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, " Good morning father, good morning father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.  They were both stunned -- how in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-- these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde. wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning father", "good morning father", and started to walk away. One of the priest couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh father, don't you recognize me, - - - - - - - I'm Sister Angela."
 

    A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 

    A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
 
 

    A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours? "He coolly  replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
 

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk Is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says......."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!
 
 

    Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor Peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
 

    A cabbie picks up a nun, and after driving for a while the cab driver can't stop staring at her. The nun asks him why he keeps staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." The nun answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun." The Sister responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and second, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says "OK, pull over behind that tree." He does and then they get out of the cab. The nun says “you must do me from behind and in my ass so that I can’t get pregnant” and so the cab driver obliges her. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," asks the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Congregational." The nun says, "That's okay, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
 

    A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in 'that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, levelled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What dya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
 

    An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the
Same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that You would like to discuss with me?" "In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He Claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that old buzzard," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December."
 

    A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.  Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line.  He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.  As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"  The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat?  A relative or close friend?"  "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
 

     A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend.  The phone rings, and he hears her say, "Uh-huh... sure, wonderful.  Okay...  Uh-huh.  Yep.  That's fine..  I understand.  Okay, bye..." She turns to her lover and says, "That was John.  Don't worry, he won't be home for hours; he's out playing cards with you."
 

     A man is having a beer with his buddies at the bar and tells them, "I'm divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits.  I went to piss in the sink this morning and it was still full of dirty dishes..."
 

     A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into the office alone.  He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe condition brought on by stress...If you don't do the following, he will surely die.  You must fix him a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner every day.  Keep the house spotless and do not burden him with ANY chores. Do not discuss your problems with him or cause him any grief.  Last but not least, make love to him every time he needs it and cater to his every whim.  After 10-12 months of this, his stress should be relieved and he should be fine..."  On the way home, the husband asked the wife, "Honey, what did the doctor say to you??"  she replied, "He said you're going to die..."
 

    One morning while making breakfast, a  man walked up to his wife and pinched her  on the butt and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.  The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.  With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"
 

     A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began  to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
 

     It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.  Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?"  But the Lord was adamant that that was all that man could have.  Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.  "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me."  Man spoke up, eagerly.  "Can I have the other ten?"  The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again, man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?"  The lion said of course he could.  Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient and again, man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"
 ......Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself!!!
 

     Mrs. Prezocki walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?"  The clerk says, "On the wall over there..." She looks and then points and says, "I want one of the red ones." The salesman says, "No, lady.  The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."
 

    This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman  can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.  A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis & wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a  rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"  The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
 

     A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is quite flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy said, "I told you before we got married; why did you still faint? The girl said, You told me it was just like a baby. The guy replied, That's right, 8 pounds and 21 inches.
 

     A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy
known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's something that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
 

 Do you know the difference between medium and rare? Medium is 6 inches. Rare is 9 inches or more.
 

     A guy walks into a drug store and goes to the lady at the counter and asked for a condom. The lady said, "What size would you like? I don't know I have never needed one before. The lady says, "Well go back to the fence at the back it has three holes in it stick your penis in them and then tell me which one fits the best.
The guy runs around back, and so does the lady. He sticks his dick in the first hole and the lady (who is now behind the fence) put her front side forward. Ahh that feels good the guy says. He goes to the next hole and puts it in. She bends over and backs up to the fence. That feels even better than the first one. He goes to the last hole puts it in, she opens her mouth. The best one yet so he runs back in the store. The lady made it back before him. "Well what size of condom do you need?" the lady asked. Forget about the condom he says give me 20 yards of that fence.
 

     The woman golfer called her pro to say that she could not keep her lesson...the pro asked her why...and she explained that she got stung by a bee while playing golf..he asked her where...and she said between the first and second hole...and her pro said I guess that would make it hard on your stance....

     Once upon a time there were three men lost in a desert. While they were walking, they saw in the distance a gigantic mansion. At first they considered it to be a mirage, but after a while they realized it was actually real. They huddled together and convinced the first guy to go up and ask for some food and water. When he knocked on the door the most beautiful woman in the whole entire world answered.  The man asked for what he needed and the woman told him she would give him these things only if he had sex with her.  Of course the man agreed and walked up the stairs to her bedroom. When she took of her dress  he was blown back with terror.  She had the most disgusting and wrinkled body he had ever seen. He then panicked and ran out of the house. The man told his story to his friends who did not believe a word he had said. The second guy trying to impress his cohorts volunteered to return to the house and ask for thier neccessities. Again the woman gave him the same answer and they headed up the stairs. Once in the bedroom history repeated itself and the man flew out of the building. He shared his story with the other two men, one of witch would not stop jabbering about how he 'told him so'. The third man, considering himself supperior to the other two advanced toward the door. And of course, the woman answered. He pleaded for food and water and she gave him the same reply as before. He agreed but insisted that they do it in the kitchen and that she wore a blindfold. She, thinking this was a custom in his country slipped a blindfold over her eyes. The man took a ear of corn and proceded to do her with it. When he finished he threw the corn out the window. The woman enjoyed it sooo much she begged him to do it again and offered a bundle of money in return. He agained insisted on the same terms and used another ear of corn. When he was done he again threw the corn out of the window. This time she was even more pleased and begged for him to satisfy her once again. The rest followed as before and when he was finished he threw the ear out the window. This time however she gave him a sports car so he could escape the hostile desert. By now she was too tired to even beg so he gathered up his belongings and headed out to see and gloat to his friends. He met up with them and offered them the food and water. The two other men replied: "No way man, we're full. We just had the best three ears of buttered corn in our lives!!!!."

     One day a Scottsman is driving by a farm.  He stops and asks the farmer:"Do you have anywhere to sleep?""Yes" the farmer replies."You can sleep in the barn or with my 18
daughters.""I think I'll take the barn thanks" the Scottsman replies.Later in the day an Australian stops at the farm requsting for a place to sleep.The owner once again
replies:"You can sleep in the barn or with my 18 daughters.""I think I'll sleep with your 18
daughters." He replied.In the morning the Australian goes to the  Scottsman and asks him how his night was.  "I'm a bit itchy, but I'll be okay."Then the Scottsman asks "How was
your night?"The Australian replies"I feel like a golf ball, I've been in and out of 18 holes!"
 

 What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex? What time will your husband get home?
 

 What do you call nuts on a wall? 'Wallnuts'.
 What do you call nuts on a chest? 'Chestnuts'.
 What do you call nuts on a chin? A blow-job.

 What's grosser than gross? Fucking a pregnant lady and the fetus gives you head.

  What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

 How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

 What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's penis.
 

     Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us,we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear I only have to outrun you!"
 

     The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:  "Do you love your wife?"  "Yes I do, sir."  "Do you love your country?"  "Yes I do, sir."  "What do you love more, your wife or your country?"  "My country, sir."  "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.  The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can`t do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says, "What happened?!?!"  "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!
 

     A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks for the man`s license. The man replies,"Why do you need my license? What did I do wrong?"  The policeman answers,"You were travelling 45 mph in a 30 mph zone." "Come on, officer," the man replies,"You know I was only going 35." "No you weren`t!" quips the wife, "I told you you were speeding! I told you not to go fast. I knew you`d get a ticket!" "Shut Up!" grunts the husband. The policeman continues, "I`m also am charging you for going through a red light." "Officer, "the man explains, "you know as well as I, that light was yellow - not red." The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red - I told you it was red - I told you." At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife,"SHUT UP!" The policeman exclaims, "Hey! stop yelling at your wife!" He then turns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?"  She calmly replies, "No, only when he`s been drinking.
 

     A nurse in the maternity ward asked a young medical student why he was so enthusiastic about obstetrics. He said sheepishly,  "When I was on medical rotation I suffered from heart attacks, asthma and itch. In surgery I was sure I had ulcers. In the psychiatric wards I thought I was losing my mind. Now, in obstetrics, I can relax."
 

     While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
 

     A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
 

     A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. "Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half." The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager. "Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."  "Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager. Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
 

     These two cows are in standing in a field. One says "Hey, are you worried about that Mad Cow's Disease?" The other one answers "Nah, it can't affect me, I'm a rabbit."
 

     Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly."Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
 

     A man was driving home late at night. He was also driving above the speed limit. He noticed a police car [with its lights whirling] in his rear view mirror. He says to himself, "I can outrun this guy." He floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy sighs aloud and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen, mister. I've had a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"     The officer let him go.
 

     A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director,"you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
 

     A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. `Forgive us our trespasses.'" When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not into temptation.'"
 

     An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most" The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?" "I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount." "OK, I wish for a billion dollars" "Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion" "I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything" "Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish" The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."
 

     A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
 

     There was this guy who lived on a farm and every day he said to his neighbor " your horse is beautiful I want to buy him from you how much?" and the neighbour would say " I don't think so he don't look to good" and the farmer would go away.  Well one day the neighbor finally said yes. The farmer hopped on the horse and road away.  On the way the horse ran into a tree and broke it's neck. The farmer returned to the neighbors farm and said "You sold me a blind horse!"  The neighbor replied with "I told you he don't look too good."
 

     After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."

PART TWO: The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanilogist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man'sbrother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 

     The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
 
 

     A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into, then rubbing the roofs of, the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
 

     A nun and a man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said, "T. G. I. F." The man looked back at her and said, "S. H. I. T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said: "There was no reason to be rude, all I said was, Thank God It's Friday"! The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, Sorry Honey It's Thursday".
 

     This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as luck would have it, he pulls up to a stoplight next to a guy with the same car. They eyed each other and the other guy said, "You got a phone in yours?" "Yes, I've got a phone!" "You got a TV?"  "Yes, I've got a TV!"  "You got a bed in yours?"  "A bed? No," (dejectedly). The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the guy. He thought he had everything. So, he turns around and drives straight to the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed. Finally, they said they'd figure out a way. The guy picks up his car and for the next twO weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he had a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls, "What do you want?" He says, "I got a bed in my car!" The guy replies, "You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
 

     There was an old-married couple swinging on their porch. They swung for a while, then suddenly the old woman punched her husband as hard as she could. He went flying down the porch steps. He got up, dusted himself off and said, "What the hell was that for?!" "That was for 50 years of bad sex!" was her reply. He sat down and they swung a little bit more. Then suddenly the old man punched his wife as hard as he could. She got up, dusted herself off, and asked, "What the hell was that for?!" Came the reply: "That's for knowing the difference!"
 

     The gigantic computer took up the whole of a monstrous wall, completely dwarfing the two tiny mathematicians standing before it. A sliver of paper had emerged from the vitals of the computer, and one mathematician after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said, "Do you realize that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians two hundred and fifty years to make a mistake this big?
 

     A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there. The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
 

     An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."  The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common."
 

     A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she wasn't having any part of him... especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for her, he
inquired loudly,  "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?" Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you under a cabbage leaf!"
 

     The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.

     One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
 

     A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied!
 

     This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches
deeper."
 

     One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."
 

Q.) What does a camera and a condom have in common? A.) They both capture that magic moment.
 

     A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scotts man was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him. "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt.then let it go,"Oh, it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."
 

     A guy was explaining how he got some horrible scars on his head. Somebody suggested that it looked like someone had wrapped a golf club around his head. "That's exactly what happened!", he said."An old lady and I both hit balls off the course into an adjacent cow pasture at about the same time. We both searched for a while, and I finally found my ball. This obnoxious old biddy insisted it was her ball, so after a short discussion, I agreed to help her look for hers. We looked everywhere, except where a cow was standing. Finally, I decided to see if that cow was standing on the ball. I looked under each leg, without any luck. Then I decided maybe there was a chance that the ball had bounced under the cows tail, and sure enough, when I looked, there it was! So I asked her to come over by the cow, and when she got there, I lifted the cows tail, pointed and said 'does that look like yours?"
 

Q.) Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?

A.) Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
 

     Little Jenny came home from school one day and she ran straight to the bathroom and started to cry. Her mother, concerned about her went in and asked what was wrong. "Well," replied Jenny, "we just learned in health class that the baby comes out where the boy's penis goes in. Is that true?" "Sure honey, but that's nothing to cry about," said her mother. Then Jenny replied, "But when I have Jonny's baby, I'm afraid it'll knock out a few of my teeth!"
 

     A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available,and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says "For Christ's sake, what do you want now?" The camel puckeres up and makes little sucking noises.
 

Q.) What did the test-tube baby say to the naturally conceived baby?

A.) Your Father is nothing but a Dick.
 

     "Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy, you've witnessed a miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his ass Father he's a cripple you know!"
 

     A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says  "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam." Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities. The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my nuts off." "Great," responds the interviewer. The disabled Vet gets preference. "You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m." "But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy. "Yes, But you don't have to worry, we just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway."
 

     A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother. The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
 

  A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks "What's that?" Her sister replies "That is my possum, sis!" The young girl replies "Oh OK" The next day she sees her mother get out of the shower and a pointing at her pussy again asks "What's that?" Her mother replies "That's my possum!" The young girl again replies "Oh OK"  The next day she sees her grandmother getting out of the shower and once again pointing at her pussy asks "What's that?" The grandmother replies "That's my possum!" The young girl replies "Oh, grandmother, is your possum dead?" The grandmother, looking a little dazzled replies "No, deary, why do you ask?" The young girl replies "Oh, its just that the possums tongue is sticking out!"
 

     While driving cross country a man ran out of gas. Walked for a few miles in the rain and came to a house. After banging on the door for 10 minutes he decided to leave, but saw something in the window. There stood a nude couple, the woman squeezing her tits and the man beating his dick with an umbrella. After watching for a while, the guy wrote them off as loonies and went in the direction of the next house. The neighbors were friendly and helped out in what ever way they could, the guy couldn't resist describing what he saw in the first house. The woman laughed and said, "Oh, they carry on that conversation all the time." "What do you mean?"asked the puzzled traveler. "Well you see, they're a deaf couple. She was asking her husband to go milk the cow and he was saying, "Fuck you bitch, it's raining!"
 

     A woman goes to have a hysterectomy, and is worried about the pain and asks "Doctor, is this going to hurt?" The doctor responds "It may, but we can num your vagina." The woman agrees. So, at the operating table, the woman says  "OK, doc, numb my vagina." The doctor spreads her legs, goes down on her and bellows "Num, Num, Num, Num!"
 

     A woman turned to a man at a singles bar and asked, "Do you prefer legs with panty hose or bare legs?"
He smiled and replied, "I prefer something in between."
 

     One night a man was getting very drunk in a restaurant. He staggered back to
take a piss, whipping his dick out as he went in the door, But he'd wandered into the ladies' room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the toilet. "This is for ladies!" she screamed. "This is for ladies!"
The drunk waved his dick at her. "So's this Lady!" he shouted back.
 

Q.) Why are women like screen doors?

A.) Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
 

     This luscious blonde is tanning topless at the big hotel swimming pool. A big macho dude, with muscles bulging decides he's going impress this girl. He puts everything down next to her and jumps into the pool. He swims 120 lengths and gets out. While drying himself off, he says to her: "Whew, that was great! I used to be an Olympic swimmer."She dives straight into the pool and swims 200 lengths in less than half the time. Not a gasp. "You're right, it was nice," she says, "I used to be a prostitute in Venice."
 

    Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask. The next weekend, they are in the same bar.
The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching tv, and Idropped my cigarette on the couch. my wife said why dont you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why dont you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" Ever seen one of these real close?
 

    A man walks into a drug store and starts fumbling around in one of the aisles. "May I help you Sir", a female voice asks. He looks up and nervously asks 'Is... is there a male that could help me instead?
I'd feel much more comfortable.' The girl looked surprised. 'What's the problem? I'm sure I can help you. The man looks around, eventually deciding it's OK. "I'm looking for some condoms." "Yes, certainly Sir", the girl replies, "How many would you like?" "Ninety nine", the man blurts out. To which the girl replies, "NINETY NINE, well fuck me dead. "You'd better make that a HUNDRED!"
 

    A young lady rode up to a service station on a very beat up old motorcycle. The attendant said, "it looks like your motorcycle has seen some very hard times." The young lady said, "yes, and I'll bet if you had been between my legs as many times as this bike has, you'd look the same." The attendant said "If I had as many nuts as that thing, I believe I could stand it."
 

    A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?" Son, "Well, before?" Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son." Son, "well what about after?" Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"
 

    "Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
 

    A beautiful young lady was a traveling sales person and her car broke down way out in the country. She checked the car as best she could but couldn't find what was wrong. It was starting to get dark so She decided She had better find shelter for the night. She found a farm house a short distance up the road and knocked on the door. The farmer answered the door and asked Her what She needed.She told the farmer that her car was broken down and She needed a place to stay for the night. The Farmer told Her he only had two bedrooms, He and his wife used one and their 18 year old son use the other. The Farmer thought about it a minute and said my son went to town and won't be home until late and he has a big bed anyhow if you want you can sleep in his bed tonight. She thought to her self, Wow 18 year old dick tonight, and said to the farmer that would be fine. After a nice supper they all went to bed. She took all of her clothes off and lay spread eagle on the bed waiting for the boy. About three in the morning the boy comes in gets undressed and goes to bed. She waited a while, sure that he would be making advances, but nothing happened. After a little while she thought, Well maybe he's shy, so she said could you switch sides of the bed with me, thinking he may get her on the way over. He got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She lay there a little longer and decided to try it again. Again, he got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She figured there is only one way to make this hick understand, so she rolled over right on top of him and said "OK now do you know what I want?" He said, "Yeh you want the whole damn bed."
 

     A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread." Then his daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my U-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mama was here she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

 A priest decided to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent was in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walked down the street a prostitut approached and proposition him. "Twenty bucks for a blowjob!" He went a little farther and the same thing happened. This happened several more times before he got to the convent. These solicitations embarrassed the priest who lowered his head and hurried on until he got to the convent. Once inside he asked the Mother Superior,  "What's a blowjob?" She replied, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"
 

    Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grew wide and she barked, "What did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeated. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and said, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
 

    A nun was roofing the convent when she hit her thumb with the hammer. "Oh shit," she said, "Oh fuck, I said shit... oh shit, I said fuck! Oh hell, I didn't want to be a nun anyway!"
 

    There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest cities was totally destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy. With that many people of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to interview everyone. The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a large cheer went up, and there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line were curious about what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the front of the line,  "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count fucking."
 

    Pope John Paul had been feeling very poorly lately so he went to the Vatican Doctor for his weekly checkup and the doctor said,  "Pope John Paul, you are very frail and weak and the only thing that can rejuvenate you is to have sex with a woman." The Pope was shocked and said, "But I can't do that, I'm the Pope and sworn to celibacy." "Well," replied the doctor, "it's either that or you won't have long to live and the world will be deprived of one of the greatest Popes of all time." The Pope thought for a while and then responded, "Okay, I'll agree to have sex with a woman for the good of the Church and the world, but there are three conditions." "What are they?" asked the Doctor. The Pope stated, "Number one, she's got to Catholic." "No problem," replied the Doctor. "She's Got to be Blind" "That can be arranged," agreed the doctor, "what is the final condition?" Gesturing with his hands, the Pope exclaimed, "She's gotta have GREAT BIG TITS!"
 

    A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"
 

    There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in you oatmeal!"
 

    An Eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The Eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says, "Look's like you just blew a seal." To which the Eskimo replied, "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

     A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
 

    A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, "IF YOU DON'T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I'LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!" A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, "did you jump?" The boy said," A little at first!"
 

    There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about their problems and the doctor prescribed a pill for the man to take. The doctor warned that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging. The man made sure to take only one pill and he had the best sex of his life! He went back to the doctor and told him the good news. The doctor said that it was great but warned to take only one pill. The doctor started to worry after a week and a half had gone by and he hadn't heard from the man so he decided to go and make a house call. When he got to the house he saw the mans son on the front porch and noticed he was crying. The doctor asked why he was crying and the boy replied, "Mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and daddy is running around the house calling, here kitty, kitty, kitty!
 

    There once was a guy that was sitting in a bar drinking beer by the shot glass all day long. When the bar was ready to close the bartender asked him why he had been there all day. He told the man he was celebrating a blow job. the bartender said, "Well, in that case have a free one on me." "Thanks," the man replied, "because if this doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
 

    A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
 

    Superman is horny one day so he decides to fly over to get it on with Wonder Woman. As he approaches her skyscraper, he notices her sunbathing next to the pool on the roof. As he descends upon her he sees that she appears to be having an erotic dream, for she is writhing and panting. "What luck!", thinks Superman as he zaps off his uniform and lets Wonder Woman have it with lightning speed. He zaps his uniform back on and blasts off. Wonder Woman suddenly opens her eyes and asks, "What was that?" The Invisible Man replies, "I'm not sure, but my ass is sure sore!"
 

    There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
 

    Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them throws up all over himself. "Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?" "All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!" "No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two Twenties here?" The man slurs back, "He shit in my pants, too."
 

    An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who speaks little English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling this Japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good. So the next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..."
 

    A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks ``did you kill them?''. ``Yes'', she replies. ``What did you do with the bodies?'' ``I threw them in the pool.'' ... pause ... ``Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?''
 

     "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
 

    Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
 

    Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full." "Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains. The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a blonde track team? A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. A3: You don't eat your bowling ball.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What does a blonde and a tampon have in common? A: They're both stuck up cunts!
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do some blonds have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits go in front.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room.
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ? A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show!
Q: Why don't blonds breast feed? A: Because they always burn their niples.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? A: Bucket seats.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone? A: Ice cream cones don't lick back.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!"
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Bobbing for Bimbos.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond? A1: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
 

    A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
 

     A blonde goes by an eletronic store when she notices a TV in the front window. She needed a new TV, it had lots of buttons, looked nice and was selling for $216. So she goes in and asked for the TV in the front window but the salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." So she just stormed out. She really wanted this TV so overnight, she dyed her hair red. She came in and asked for the TV in the front window. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." came the reply. By this time she was desperate so she goes home and shaves off her hair. She goes in and asks for the TV in the front window but the salesman just goes, 'We don't sell to blondes.' 'How do you know I'm a blonde. I dyed my hair red, and then I even shaved it off, and you still know I'm a blonde. HOW?" "There are only microwaves in the front window."
 

    Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. They released the genie and he told them, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.
Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
 

    At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
 Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.
 

    A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
 A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate.
 

    A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
 

    Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says, "Hey check out the blond over there. I bet she's really hot in bed!" He procedes to go over and makes small talk with her. Before long they both leave for a one nighter. The next day, the second guy goes over to the same blond, pinches her in the rear and were off for a quickie. Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares notes with the first guy. The first guy says, "I think my wife is better." The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeh, your wife is better too!"
 

    Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
 

    This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He says, "$35." Then she said, "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: mm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
 

     After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
 

    A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
 

    Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
 

    There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
 

    A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
 

     A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
 

    I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
 

    This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
 

    A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
 

    A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
 

    A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
 

    A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
 

Did you hear about the blonde who:
· had more on her body than on her mind?
· was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
· took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
· got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
· was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
· had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
· thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
· was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
· after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
· went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
· brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
 

     Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
 

    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7"
 

    Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
 

  Blondes... They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin!
 

     Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
 

    A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
 

    A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
 

    A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
 

    A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
 Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener!
 

    A blonde walked into a hair salon and sat into the barber´s chair. The barber noticed that she had headphones on her head. The barber asked the blonde what kind of haircut she wanted. She didn´t reply, so the barber asked again. Again no reply. Then he was getting very annoyed so he took off her headphones. Suddenly she turned blue and fell on the floor. He checked her pulse and she was dead. He was wondering what was in her headphones so he put them on. He heard: " Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale...
 

    A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
 

    Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
 

    What is brown, black and blue was found lying in a ditch? The last brunette that told a blonde joke in front of a blonde.
 Blondes take everything literally. My sister is a blonde. There was this movie she wanted to see real bad and she left with her ticket in hand to go see it,but I was suprized to see her return home in only 15 minutes. "I thought you really wanted to see that movie, what happened?",I asked. "I did",she said sadly, "but, when I got there I saw a sign that said, under 18 not admitted and I couldn't find 18 people to go see it with me."
 

    There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles,NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
 

    Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what?
 

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
 Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, about half hour later they were both killed by a train.
 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in the obstetrician's office. The redhead and the brunette are talking. I understand that the position you are in at the time of conception helps determine the sex of the baby says the brunette. I was on top, so I'm going to have a little boy. Oh says the redhead, I was on the bottom, so I must be having a little girl. The blonde bursts into tears. What's wrong the redhead and brunette ask. OOOHHH says the blonde, I'M GOING TO HAVE PUPPIES!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?  A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?  A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?  A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?  A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?  A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?  A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?  A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?  A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?  A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?  A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?  A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?  A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?  A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?  A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell the blonde has returned to the computer she was using?  A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?  A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?  A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?  A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?  A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?  A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?  A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?  A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?  A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?  A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?  A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?  A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?  A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?  A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?  A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?  A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?  A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?  A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?  A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?  A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?  A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?  A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?  A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?  A: "Next!"
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)  A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?  A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?  A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?  A: Tits go in front.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?  A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?  A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?  A1: Introduces themself.  A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?   A: Fertilised.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?  A: Unfertilised.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?  A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?  A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?  A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?  A: More leg room.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?  A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?  A1: Thanks Guys.  A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?  A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?  A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?  A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?  A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?  A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?  A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
A4: None. They can't fit.
A5: Six, Five to look at the problem and go "Duh?" and one to call her boyfriend to do it.
A6: 10, One to change the bulb and the other nine to make T-shirts.
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?  A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?  A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?  A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?  A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?  A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?  A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?  A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?  A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?  A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?  A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?  A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?  A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?  A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?  A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?  A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?  A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?  A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?  A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?  A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?  A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?  A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?  A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?  A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?  A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?  A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?  A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?  A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?  A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?  A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?  A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?  A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?  A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?  A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?  A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?  A: They both have black roots.
Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?  A: So she could lip read.
Q: How do you drown a blond?  A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?  A: Don't tell her to swallow.
Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?  A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?  A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?  A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.  A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?  A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?  A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?  A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.  A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?  A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?  A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?  A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?  A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?  A: "Nice tits!"
Q: How does a blonde high-5?  A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?  A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why do blondes have legs?  A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.  A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.  A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?  A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?  A: The Blonde!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?  A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?  A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?  A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?  A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?  A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?  A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?  A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?  A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?  A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?  A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?  A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?  A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?  A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?  A: A labrador.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?  A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?  A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?  A: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?  A: Because they always burn their nipples.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?  A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?  A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?  A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?  A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's  A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?  A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: Why did God create blondes?  A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?  A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?  A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?  A1: So brunettes can remember them.  A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????  A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?  A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?  A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why do blondes have periods?  A: They deserve them.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?  A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?  A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?  A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?  A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?  A: Two brunettes.
Q: Why was the blonde depressed when she received her driver's license?  A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What do you call a brunette and four blondes standing on a street corner?  A: Regular price, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks!
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?  A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a shopping cart.  A: A shopping cart has a mind of it's own.
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?  A: A waste.
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"  A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?  A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?  A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?  A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
·Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York ?  A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men !
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?  A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?  A: Because the can't even keep two calves together!
Q: Why do blondes tattoo their zipcode under their belly button?  A: So they can get the male into the right box.
Q: What do blondes and cow chips have in common?  A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?  A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?  A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?  A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?  A: An Air Bag
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?  A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?  A: She realized she had given her last blowjob.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?  A: A thought.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?  A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?  A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Q: What is the difference between a blondes legs and cold butter?  A: Cold butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?  A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?  A: He knows who the ten men were.
Q: Why did they call the blond "Twinkie"?  A: She was always being filled with cream.
 

 Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
 

 On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
 

    One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy's house. While they were there the AC broke, so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and its so hot in here lets take off our clothes. "The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us." So she let him in. As soon as the blindman stepped in he said, "Nice tits where do you want these blinds."
 

    There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who always stared at each other. One day, a wizard came up to them and said, "this is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30 minutes of humanity so spend it well." The wizard waved his wand and the two statues went behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles laughs and saw a little hanky panky but nothing much. After fifteen minutes they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do it again so as not to waste their 15 minutes. The male statue said to the female statue "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."

Did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!

Did you hear about the constipated Accountant? He used a pencil to budget!

Did you hear O.J. was getting married again? Yeah, he wants to take another stab at it.

      My brother is so dumb, he thought the international Dateline was a 1-900 number!
 

     This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
 

    A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?" The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".
 

    This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled down the window and stuck his arm out to extingish the flame. The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.
 

    A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis. The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis. One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table. The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?" The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".
 

    "Today most doctors specialize. My own doctor's speciality seems to be banking. And dentists are not exactly poor either. In fact, dental practices are so lucrative that the American Dental Association is thinking of changing it's motto to: "Put your money where your mouth is."
 

    A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to do is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"
 

    This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I’ll have to adjust the chair."
 

    A man walks into a bar just outside of Linlcoln Nebraska and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a joke about how stupid the Nebraska Football team is? The bartender tells the man that he wouldn't mind hearing the joke but that he needs to point out a couple of people to him that are in the bar. The bartender then points to a HUGE man seated at one end of the bar and explains that this guy was an All- American offensive lineman for Nebraska last season. The bartender then points out another HUGE man seated at a table near the bar and explains that he was a Nebraska Linebacker a couple of years ago. Then the bartender tells the man that he himself was a Quarterback for Nebraska several years ago and that he had a baseball bat behind bar. The bartender then asks the man if he still wanted to tell his joke and the man replied, "Hell no, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!
 

    A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink. The lady says "thats a disgusting looking frog you got there." The guys says, "Yeah well lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST damn pussy eater you ever seen." The lady is outraged and says so then promptly gets up and moves across the bar. A few hours pass.... The lady has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog... So she staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!". They run get a hotel room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs spread open wide. The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then demmands, "GO HOMER!".... the frog lays there....he commands again... "GO HOMER" the frog still does nothing.... he picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and says, "If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000 times .. .....now watch how its done!"
 

    A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all kinds of things. Eventually, one of them said, " How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for my wife the other day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied his buddy!
 

    Guy asks the bartender, do you have any entertainment? The Bartender takes out a box and out pops a 12" high piano player. Wow says the guy, where did you get him. Ask the genie at the end of the bar", he says." So the guy goes over there and whispers in the genie's ear and a 1000 ducks go flying by. "He must be hard of hearing" said the guy." "Tell me about it," says the bartender. "Do you think I wanted a 12" PIANIST!"
 

    What are the three biggest lies a man from Montana tells?  See this belt buckle? I won it in the rodeo.  My truck is paid for.  I was just trying to help that sheep over the fence.
 

    We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
 

I Was Just Thinking
· Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
· Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
· Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
· Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
· Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
· Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
· Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
· Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
· Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
· Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
· How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
· If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
· If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
· If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
· You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
· Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
· You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
· Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio.
 

    Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's finel for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
 Three guys are walking through the woods and they find a genie sitting by a cliff. The genie says "I will grant you each one wish, all you have to do is say what you want and jump off the cliff". The first guy goes to the edge, yells "Money" and jumps off, he lands in a humongous pile of money. The second guy gets up and yells "Women", he lands among hundreds of women. The third guy, who is pretty excited now, gets to the edge of the cliff, trips and yells, "Shit!!!!"
 

     There were three sailers and they havent had any sex in a long time they stopped at this island and saw this whore. So they asked her if they could all do it? She said that she would, but let me get two other friends cause I can't handle all three of you by myself. So she went to get her friends, but she could only find one so they decided to get a blow up doll for the third sailor. They all screwed that night and when they woke up in the morning they all started talking about their night, so the first two sailers say how good their night was and then the third sailor says "something was wrong with my girl I bit her tit and she farted and blew out the window!
 

    A man retired from the phone company. He researched every type of business, then decided on the whorehouse business since the product lasts a long time and can be sold over and over.
He decided to use ex telephone operators on one floor as they always knew what to say sweetly. On the second floor he used ex-nurses which would make their Johns feel safer. On the top floor he would use ex-schoolteachers to provide an answer to those wanting an intellectual conversation with their sex.  At the end of the first month he got his P/L and he found the first floor (the telephone operators) were turning a outstanding profit. The second floor (ex-nurses) were turning a fine profit. The third floor (ex-schoolteachers) were losing a lot of money.  Being a self made man he went over to learn the reason. Putting his ear at the door on the first floor he heard a huff and puff then a voice say "Your three minutes are up" Satisfied he went to the second floor and put his ear to the door. He heard a huff and puff and then a voice said. "Are we about done? We need the bed." Satisfied he went to the third floor (ex-schoolteachers) and put his ear to the door. He heard a huff and puff then a voice said "We're going to do it again and again until you get it right!"
 

    As John took a shower he thought about his wedding nite but a few days off. He thought about Joy whose body he never enjoyed as she vowed to be a virgin until she was married. He thought he heard the phone and opened the shower door, finding himself mistaken he closed the door, on his penis.  The doctor said he was sorry about the wedding but John could not engage in sex for one month. The doctor made a splint from four wooden tongue suppressers and tape for the injured organ. On the wedding nite John felt places he had never felt before. At each movement Joy would exclaim "Be careful, I've never done that before!" This went on for a few minutes then after the seventh "I've never done that before" John whipped off the sheet and exclaimed "See, mine hasn't even been uncrated yet!"
 

     Adam was taking a walk in the garden of Eden, having his daily chat to God. The following conversation took place: Adam: Thank you so much for giving Eve to me. She's made such a difference in my life. I just have one question: Why did you have to make her so beautiful? I can't keep my eyes and my hands off her! God: Well, Adam, I had to make her so beautiful so you could love her! Satisfied with this Adam goes off to find Eve. The following day he was involved in another conversation wih God. Adam: God, I understand that you had to make Eve beautiful so I could love her, but I don't understand why you had to make her so STUPID! God: Well, Adam, I had to make her so stupid so she could love you!!!!
 

    A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if you can get AIDS from oral sex. "Yes," the pharmacist says, "statistically, you are more likely to get AIDS from oral sex than straight sex. You should still use a condom." "OK, I'll take one." "Will that be cash or charge?" "Just put it on my bill."
 

    Little Johnny is attending his maths class when teacher asks him a question: "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your rifle, how many would be left?" "None," says Johnny, "because the rest would fly away." "well the answer is four," says teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for now: If there were three women eating ice cream cones entering a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well" said teacher, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "Not quite," says little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking......."
 
 

    While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
 

    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
 

    Two good ole boys, Billy Bob and Joe Wayne were hunting one a sunny day. Now Joe Wayne was not the brightest person in the world. They came up on a pretty young girl sunbathing in the nude.... Billy Bob jumped up and said, "boy, she looks good enough to eat." So, Joe Wayne shot her.
 

    A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
 

    One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok." The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said... "I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"
 

    There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be *my* goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
 

     Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding."
 

    Camping Alert In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
 

    Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr.. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'." "Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours". Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
 

     A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"

     A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

     A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up. The girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" "Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

     A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"
 

     A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

     A Priest and a Nun... A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

     There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

     Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which read.......... "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER....... $50.00!!!!"

     The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine". "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, 'well, how much do you have?' "The marine said he only had $25. So I told him, "For $25 all I can give you is a hand job." He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand _above_ the second hand..." "Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!

     An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, mister?" "Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!" "Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh," he says, "then how much do I owe you?"

     A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

     Harry goes up to a whore and says, "How much for a blow job?" She says, "A hundred bucks." He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred. Then he starts to jack off. She says, "What are you doing that for?" He says, "For a hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"